Ah, the wonderful holidays. They usher in a season of joy and happiness, awash with peace and tranquility.
Or not.
The idea of serene holidays full of silent nights is frequently far flung from the actuality of it. If approaching festivities cause you to sigh deeply and secretly wish you could press a calendar fast-forward button, don’t lose heart! Today, life tips it’s taken me way too long to learn about managing the season.
Instead of allowing yourself to feel like a tightly-wound top at the mercy of holiday chaos swirling around you, try a courageous, concentrated approach this year.
It’s okay to mix things up. You don’t have to make the same foods you’ve always made, travel to the same places, follow the same gift-giving protocols or even celebrate with the same people! Just because family or friends expect you to celebrate in a certain way doesn’t mean you need to.
Take ownership of your choices. Decide what is most meaningful to you and your family.
In any given year, life’s bizarre twists can propel us into a new life that little resembles the life we used to live, perhaps one we never would have wanted and certainly never expected. Accept and embrace the desire to change once-honored traditions to better suit your current circumstances.
Instead of “knuckling under” pressure or sacrificing to the extent that resentment or self-pity seeds sprout, decide to make healthy changes. If you choose not to change, don’t be surprised when the Holiday Stress Monster breathes down your back.
Just like you, other people are entitled to their own opinions, right or wrong. If someone thinks negatively of you because you’ve decided to march to a different little drummer, don’t worry about it. If they truly know and care about you, they will extend you the benefit of the doubt. If they don’t, it’s a clear sign they have their own issues – ones that have nothing to do with you, even though you still might bear the brunt.
You cannot change other people. You can change your own actions and reactions.
Proactively decide ahead of time how much exposure you and your family will (or will not have) to challenging individuals. Set internal boundaries regarding what works for you and what action you will take if your boundaries are crossed (remember, boundaries govern your own behavior, not others’ behavior).
Depending on the circumstances, you may not need to communicate these boundaries to anyone. Draw the line in your own mind--and follow through if lines are crossed! If boundary-stomping consequences involve altering others’ plans, you’ll likely want to explain them up front. If they just affect your own next steps, there is really no need to. Realize that by deciding up front on the most important things, mental peace and harmony will increase.
Conversely, recognize that indecision is actually a decision. If you don’t make changes you’d like to, expect to feel frustrated and stressed.
Accept responsibility for initiating change…but simultaneously, do not feel the need to explain your reasons. Be kind and direct. A subtle approach usually does not work if you are making substantial (or even minor) changes to “That Which Has Always Been Done.”
If individuals persist in asking “why,” direct, short and sweet is best. “It is time for a change,” is indeed a complete sentence. With a full stop at the end. This handy-dandy little sentence can also be repeated. Often. To the same people.
Anticipate differences of opinion among nuclear family members regarding the definition of a “relaxing, refreshing holiday season.” Balance the scales by asking each person to choose one small thing most meaningful to them. Baking cookies, watching a favorite movie, playing a special board game, going on a solitary walk, or hitting the bike trail as a family…create lifelong memories by planning one small, most-meaningful activity designed around the preference of each family member.
This means the adults decide, with little to no input from younger family members, on Bigger Questions like “Where should we spend the holidays? Does Great-Gramma get to come visit and stay for a month? Will a Staycation be more beneficial to our family than slogging off to our normal family destination that we come home exhausted from?” “Can we afford to travel this year?” You get the picture.
If adult decisionmakers don’t see eye-to-eye on the Bigger Questions, fire up your combined, creative brainpower to compromise. For example, if one adult wants to stay home, hermit up and have no visitors for a week and the other adult wants to head across the country and socialize with extended family non-stop…create a middle ground that allows a little bit of both.
Consider the possibility that adults in the same family don’t have to spend the whole holiday season joined at the hip. Building in breathing space for each adult to have limited participation in activities that are extremely stressful for them might be the smoothest way to deck the halls with joy instead of stress.
Don’t expect frequent – or infrequent – visitors to read your mind. Showing hospitality does not mean you let visitors do whatever they want to in your home.
If you need or want help with dishes, meal preparation and toy cleanup, ask for it politely. If visitors automatically turn on your TV when they arise, simply turn it off (and unplug it, if needed) and sweetly explain, “we only turn the TV on in our home for a short time each evening,” (or whatever the case may be). If you have a no-outdoor-shoes rule in your home, ask visitors to remove their shoes when they come inside. If you want them to wear socks inside instead of bare feet that track in dirt from running around outside or wearing sandals, ask them to. If you have a “no food in the bedrooms” rule, enforce it.
It is YOUR HOME. Act like it is. Politely, of course. And if instead, you choose to say, “Make yourself at home,” with no guidance provided, do not inwardly simmer at your visitors’ laziness or seeming lack of consideration. They are doing exactly what you told them was okay to do.
Be kind, gentle and patient with the ones you love, without letting them tromp on you. Take a deep breath and think before you react. Encourage your children to do the same. Visualize the Holiday Stress Monster melting into a puddle at your feet or blowing away on the wind.
Plan what is best for your family, realizing that extended family members may not understand or agree with your choices. Stay calm and holiday on.
After all, that IS what the season is all about.
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